Operation "LARK" Begins

A lady wrote a lot of letters to the Pentagon complaining about the
treatment of a captive insurgent (terrorist) being held in Guantanamo
Bay
She received back the following reply:

The Pentagon
Washington, D.C. 20016

Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of
the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo
Bay, Cuba. Our administration takes these matters seriously and your
opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington. You'll be
pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself,
we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to
be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or
LARK for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided
to place one terrorist under your personal care.

Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for
transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next
Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed)
is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in
your letter of complaint.

It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant
caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your
standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly
recommended in your letter.

Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your
sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help
him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in
describing these problems as mere cultural differences.

We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat
and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail
clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these
skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide
variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may
wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might
offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except
sexually), since he views females as a subhuman form of property.
This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known
to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new
dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm
sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka -- over
time. Just remember that it is all part of "respecting his culture
and his religious beliefs" -- wasn't that how you put it?

Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like
you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job.

You take good care of Ahmed - and remember...we'll be watching. Good
luck!

Cordially,

Your friend,

Don Rumsfeld